There have been many cases of growing pains in my house lately... not my daughter or son, but me! As a parent, it is extremely difficult to watch my children grow up but at the same time so amazing and enjoyable- very bittersweet!
Lena will be starting first grade in a couple weeks. The thought of watching her walk into school that first morning brings me to tears. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with her like it was yesterday and now she is starting first grade and will be seven-years-old soon. Where has the time gone?!?
While this is all very hard for me to swallow, I know I can't stuff my kids in a box and keep them from growing and experiencing all the good and bad life has to offer. It pains me to think that they will each get their heart broken and be faced with decisions at a young age that they shouldn't have to deal with ever. This is the world we live in today, however. Children are being forced to grow up younger and younger.
But, for now I'm going to stop focusing on the growing pains and focus on the joy of being here to see them grow and leading them through life. I got Lena a book today as she prepares to enter first grade and I will end with the first page of this book...
"Oh my baby, little one,
the hardest thing I do
is hold you tight, then let you go,
and walk away from you..."
Taken from Oh My Baby, Little One by Kathi Appelt
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Praying....???
Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking in regards to praying. I have never been one to bow my head and fold my hands and be "in a state of prayer." It is not comfortable to me and my parents never forced me to do so. I do not force Lena and Lex to pray daily, or even at all. At church when we are asked to bow our heads and the pastor leads the congregation in a prayer, I do not. I sit with my head up and listen to the words of the prayer.
When I do pray, I pray because I am scared. I pray for comfort. When I am really thankful and overwhelmed with the sense of happiness, I pray and thank God for all he or she has given me. However, this is not on a regular basis.
I recently read an article on the philosopher, Kant, and what he believed about prayer. He believed that prayer is just a selfish act of believers- to comfort themselves in times of need and fear.
I can relate. The times that I do pray, it is for my own benefit. I am exactly what Kant described. Perhaps that makes me a horrible or bad "believer." I like to think that makes me human. My take on praying is that, if God is what we say she is, then why do I need to pray? Doesn't she already know what I'm going to pray and need for that day, month, year? I think I'm limiting God's powers by saying, "this is what I need now God." Like God needs my direction.
I believe that God hears my thoughts (all the good and bad) throughout the day. I am thankful for what I've been given- my relationship with God allows me to not pray. So, I will not force my children to pray and I will continue to not pray regularly and pray only when I need comfort. Whether this is right, wrong, black or blue this is where my relationship stands with my God.
When I do pray, I pray because I am scared. I pray for comfort. When I am really thankful and overwhelmed with the sense of happiness, I pray and thank God for all he or she has given me. However, this is not on a regular basis.
I recently read an article on the philosopher, Kant, and what he believed about prayer. He believed that prayer is just a selfish act of believers- to comfort themselves in times of need and fear.
I can relate. The times that I do pray, it is for my own benefit. I am exactly what Kant described. Perhaps that makes me a horrible or bad "believer." I like to think that makes me human. My take on praying is that, if God is what we say she is, then why do I need to pray? Doesn't she already know what I'm going to pray and need for that day, month, year? I think I'm limiting God's powers by saying, "this is what I need now God." Like God needs my direction.
I believe that God hears my thoughts (all the good and bad) throughout the day. I am thankful for what I've been given- my relationship with God allows me to not pray. So, I will not force my children to pray and I will continue to not pray regularly and pray only when I need comfort. Whether this is right, wrong, black or blue this is where my relationship stands with my God.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Is she a brat? Or just 6-years-old?
I have this little notebook that I carry with me at all times in my purse, to jot down bits of information so that I will not forget them. This notebook contains information from what I needed to pack for vacation this past May, my weekly grocery list, information about Elena Kagan's past experience to thoughts I have throughout the day.
Yesterday morning, while sitting at my desk, I began to think about my daughter Lena and her horrible and embarrassing behavior Sunday afternoon. I quickly made a notation: "am I raising a brat or is she just 6-years-old?"
On Sunday, we were shopping for a gift for a party we were going to that evening and Lena wanted something from the store as well. I must admit, often times I will get her a little something when we are at the store. However, that day, she wanted everything we were getting for her friend's birthday and I said no. She ended up crying through the entire store while I quickly got the necessary items, a birthday card, a gift bag and tissue paper.
I tried to explain over and over, in a stern voice, that it was Emma's birthday and that she got presents when it was her birthday. Finally, I had had it. She wasn't going to stop crying and my face was getting a deeper and deeper shade of red. I wanted to swat her on the butt and tell her to shut up. But, I didn't. All I could think was, "why is she being so selfish?" "why does she act like this with me?" We left the store and I decided we were not going to attend the party.
However, we went to the party. Lena promised to be on her best behavior and she was. A totally different child than three hours before. I got to thinking, why, oh why, is she always naughty with me and only me?
The afternoon after I wrote in my notebook I got the answer to my question. She disobeys me because she can. Not because there are not consequences for her actions but because she knows I will always love her and I will always be there to hold her as she falls asleep each night.
I got my answer from my son Lex's occupational therapist. She explained to me about her son and his behavior at home and away from home. I wanted to break down in tears because she was describing my daughter word for word. Lena is a wonderful student, listens and minds at church in Sunday school class, behaves well (mostly) in public and with other family members. But when she gets with me she lets down her guard because she knows she can. She does not have to be perfect for me. She can run around at home and recharge herself because she knows what is expected of her in all situations.
Lena is not a brat. She is not selfish. She is loving, tender, kind, eager to please and learn. She is my daughter and most importantly she is 6-years-old.
Yesterday morning, while sitting at my desk, I began to think about my daughter Lena and her horrible and embarrassing behavior Sunday afternoon. I quickly made a notation: "am I raising a brat or is she just 6-years-old?"
On Sunday, we were shopping for a gift for a party we were going to that evening and Lena wanted something from the store as well. I must admit, often times I will get her a little something when we are at the store. However, that day, she wanted everything we were getting for her friend's birthday and I said no. She ended up crying through the entire store while I quickly got the necessary items, a birthday card, a gift bag and tissue paper.
I tried to explain over and over, in a stern voice, that it was Emma's birthday and that she got presents when it was her birthday. Finally, I had had it. She wasn't going to stop crying and my face was getting a deeper and deeper shade of red. I wanted to swat her on the butt and tell her to shut up. But, I didn't. All I could think was, "why is she being so selfish?" "why does she act like this with me?" We left the store and I decided we were not going to attend the party.
However, we went to the party. Lena promised to be on her best behavior and she was. A totally different child than three hours before. I got to thinking, why, oh why, is she always naughty with me and only me?
The afternoon after I wrote in my notebook I got the answer to my question. She disobeys me because she can. Not because there are not consequences for her actions but because she knows I will always love her and I will always be there to hold her as she falls asleep each night.
I got my answer from my son Lex's occupational therapist. She explained to me about her son and his behavior at home and away from home. I wanted to break down in tears because she was describing my daughter word for word. Lena is a wonderful student, listens and minds at church in Sunday school class, behaves well (mostly) in public and with other family members. But when she gets with me she lets down her guard because she knows she can. She does not have to be perfect for me. She can run around at home and recharge herself because she knows what is expected of her in all situations.
Lena is not a brat. She is not selfish. She is loving, tender, kind, eager to please and learn. She is my daughter and most importantly she is 6-years-old.
Friday, July 2, 2010
A Life List
Recently, I have been reading. I will read anything I can get my hands on. I have always loved to read, but seem to never carve out the time to do so. However, now it is all I can seem to think about doing. What started me on this reading binge is Anne Lamott's book Grace (Eventually). Her wit is laugh out loud worthy and she sucks you into her life of struggle, triumph, faith and hilarious but at times serious circumstances.
.After reading this book, in a span of about 48 hours, I got to thinking. I need to have a list, a life list, of what I want to accomplish in my life. Some call it a "bucket list," my dad is always pushing my sisters and myself to make one. But I decided to call it my "life list." This is going to be where my life is lived. A list of things, some small but some very important, items I want to accomplish during my life.
My life list is as follows:
.After reading this book, in a span of about 48 hours, I got to thinking. I need to have a list, a life list, of what I want to accomplish in my life. Some call it a "bucket list," my dad is always pushing my sisters and myself to make one. But I decided to call it my "life list." This is going to be where my life is lived. A list of things, some small but some very important, items I want to accomplish during my life.
My life list is as follows:
- Go out west with my children
- Go on a mission trip in and out of the country with my children
- Go to Canada with my children
- Get my Masters and PhD - in what field is to be determined
- Buy a home
- Expose my children to other cultures and religions
- Expose myself and my children to music from around the world
- Visit every continent
- Go to every state in the USA
- Take care of my parents when they are older
- Be politically active
- Read the Bible daily
- Read the great classic authors to my children
This list is on-going and is far from being complete, if it will ever be complete. However, at least I have it started and have began to consciously be aware of what I want to do during my life.
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